SOS! I'm becoming a Tita

by - Tuesday, August 14, 2018

I missed taking photographs.

It was not so long ago when I was at a height of being a millennial -- going out almost every night. Busy with street photography, with jiujitsu, a bit of blogging and everything in between. I don't even know to fix my loaded schedule during off-days.

It was also then that I have numerous blog ideas, and then poof! I lost interest in anything.

I slowly feel that going out doesn't give fun anymore. That I'd rather spend my night lying on my bed, doing nothing. I'm becoming a Tita (Aunt/Mid-aged woman).

I am afraid to get old, to get old without anyone to grow old with. I am afraid that all the emotions I had invested for my friends will be of waste. Nobody will really stay with me until the end. And when you give your trust to someone but that someone wants something more. wants to go over the boundary. and you feel abused. you feel mistreated. you feel not sufficient. you feel unloved. you feel unworthy. you feel unappreciated.

I am this girl, trying to be tough, trying to look strong. But dying inside in reality.

This might be the middle-life-crisis thingy they are talking about. When you don't really have a problem but you are kind of depressed in something. Something you cannot pin-point. Something you are frustrated about is swallowing your identity. You don't know what to think anymore. You don't know what you like. You are on auto-pilot. You just let things the way it is. or the way it was.

And now here i am, picking up the pieces where I left off

Yes, at some point in your life, you travel through the path of the unknown

And though I always say that I’m okay. Sometimes it’s easier to say you’re fine rather that explaining why you are not.

I am also needing the same affection that I am giving to others. It’s true that in any aspect of love, you don’t expect something in return, but you wish to have that affirmation to get going.

What a lovely feeling if all the efforts you’ve put through are acknowledged and if not equally compensated, at least, valued.

EDIT: 14 August 2018

I randomly wrote this sometime March this year when I wanted to put something in the blog but don't know where to start, a travel blog, a food blog perhaps. Then I have sunk into these thoughts.

I'll just leave it unedited with all those huge spacing to preserve the emotions I had at that point in time.

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